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TO THINK BEFORE ACTING "Am I thinking now?" is a very important question for a stable, long-term intimate relationship. Typically, when we think of intimate relationships, we focus immediately on our feelings. Feelings, the off-shoot of emotions, become our guide telling us what to do in the relationship with the other person, but using feelings as guides results in ending up in empty-shelled marriages or failing to keep the commitment "Til' death do us part." A promising theory that is currently being substantiated as accurate brings us very different ideas for guiding our relationships. In the 1960s, Dr. Murray Bowen described how emotions and feelings actually diminish our ability to be responsible in relationships and offered a more effective tool - thinking. Emotion is the sensation of safety or threat immediately sensed as we assess every stimulus to make sure we are protected from danger. Each time we interact in our relationships, we determine whether or not we are safe or threatened. Feelings are the sensations that are paired with our emotions to make certain that we are safe. We are wired to use only emotion and feeling to determine our behavior, unless the situation is complex or new. Our relationships are complex, but we fail to recognize that our relationships are complex, because we learn strategies to solve relationship problems when we are very young. If we assume that we know what we are doing, we will not engage in thought, because the situation is not new. John Gottman, a human development researcher, verifies we learn automatic relationship strategies as infants from our families, and Joe LeDeoux, a neurobiologist, confirms that our emotional reactions prevent us from using thinking to solve complex problems. Bowen had understood that interplay between nature and nurture automatically determines what we do with each other. When we think, we must consider our emotions and our feelings as we make decisions, but we must go further than that. We must be able to objectively collect facts, and that means that we have to consider the possibility that we don't know what we are doing in our relationships - a scary idea. From there, we must understand how information fits together to determine our behavior. And, finally we must consider the emotions, feelings and thoughts of the other person, understanding that each person in the system is of equal importance, and that we all have an influence on each other. The process takes time and delays the automatic responses that damage, more than help, our relationships. The next time you face a relationship challenge, delay your response. Give yourself at least 24 hours before you respond. Be sure to tell your partner that you are taking time to give the situation serious thought. Assumptions are made when people do not get information. Write down your automatic reaction and then think of three other ways to handle the situation. What obstacles you would face if you tried these new behaviors? Select the new strategy that is most comfortable to you. Understand how the strategy is like your automatic response and how it is different. Be prepared to be uncomfortable as you try this new strategy. ************ Sharon Renfro presented at the 2004 Smart Marriages Dallas Conference. Back to Married Resources Back to TOP |