St. Mary Magdalen - Listening Skills

Six Listening Skills to Use with Your Kids

By Debra Tomaselli

When I really listened to my daughter, our communication improved

"What's so funny about a child throwing spit wads in class?" I asked my daughter, interrupting her story about what had happened in math class that day. True, I wanted to hear about her day, but here she was, amused by the undesirable antics of a classmate! Annoyed, I told her she needed to grow up. Irritated, she told me I had no sense of humor. Suddenly we were in an escalating confrontation over another child's behavior. Slamming her bedroom door, she retreated in hostile silence. She had more to tell, but she wouldn't say it.

As my daughter approached the teen years, such exchanges became more and more common, and our communication began to deteriorate. When we discussed whose turn it was to wash the dishes, I expected an instant and gracious response. It didn't happen. When she wanted to paint her room "passion purple," I balked. When I told her to turn off the television and she tried to talk her way into watching the next sitcom, her "back talk" infuriated me. Why was she so difficult? Why wouldn't she listen respectfully to us?

Desperate to discover the secret to making our lives more peaceful, my husband and I visited the library for information on child rearing. We learned that if we wanted her to pay attention to us, we first needed to listen to her! One resource suggested specific listening skills to implement with our daughter, beginning with ten minutes each day.

My Lack of Attentiveness.
One would expect that as a stay-at-home mom, I had endless hours to be attentive to Lynn. Sure, I listened - while folding laundry, cooking dinner, and grabbing the ringing telephone. Sure, I listened - while mentally working out carpool arrangements for the basketball game. Sure, I listened - using anecdotes about her day at school as opportunities for me to teach by interupting with my opinion. After all, wasn't I supposed to be molding her values?

In reality, I discovered I did not spend even two minutes a day listening to my daughter in the manner the book recommended. In addition, my criticism was teaching her to be selective in the information she shared. Our relationship was built on blocked communication, not on respectful interaction, and we needed to construct a more harmonious way of relating. The reform needed to begin with me.

A few key phrases provided the necessary framework to develop a healthy interaction with our child. Here are the six skills we tried to develop:

Listen Constructively
1. Without interrupting
2. Without criticizing
3. Without interjecting your opinion of what is being said

Listen Attentively
4. Making eye contact
5. Nodding your head
6. Repeating what is being said in the form of a question

Initially, this disciplined ten minutes of listening became part of our bedtime routine. Right before prayers, we would set aside time just for Lynn. For the first few months, these new skills were so foreign and required so much effort that I literally watched the clock for each minute to pass!

Breaking the old habit of interrupting with my opinion demanded focused efforts, and several failures. But eventually Lynn began to realize she could verbalize her thoughts and feelings freely and without encountering anger. In addition, we found that applying these communication skills won her cooperation when we needed her to turn off the television, clean up her room, or tackle a chore for us.

Daily Conversations.
Surprisingly, we discovered that when she was given the freedom to possess her own opinions, our daughter's views mirrored our values. Better yet, she became interested in what we had to say. Eventually the ten-minute listening habit grew into daily conversations. When our communication involved anger, I would remind myself of my new listening skills by posting them on my bathroom mirror or on the refrigerator door. Listening in this manner began to calm the entire atmosphere in our home.

Other insights helped my husband and me to connect with our daughter. For example, we learned the significance of body language - clenched fists or an angry facial expression can convey hostility even if our words don't. Instead, we learned that if we kept our hands open and relaxed, we would naturally communicate with less intensity and emotion.

If we were too angry, we delayed the conversation for another time. We also discovered that a neutral location away from home fosters the undivided attention of both parties. Passionate concerns may be best discussed at your favorite ice cream shop, where emotions cannot easily get out of hand.

We found that Lynn enjoyed talking while traveling in the car. I began to transport her personally whenever possible to promote this one-on-one time. When we ran errands together, we'd stop for a soda, and I would simply listen. Another friend of mine schedules occasional lunch dates with each of her children. The return is well worth the investment in time.

The Rewards of Listening.
I knew we reached our objective of open communication with Lynn after a conversation we had the morning after she had returned from a high school sleepover. Lynn was chatting to me about the party when suddenly she halted the conversation. "What happened?" I asked.

"Well, I don't want to tell you. You'll get mad."

"I'll get mad?" I repeated what she said in the form of a question.

"Yes, you'll get mad." Lynn could be a master clamshell.

"No, I won't be angry," I replied, knowing that I had to honestly take that risk. "Why do you think I'd get mad?"

Continuing to repeat her words calmly in the form of a question led her to confide that some of the girls had experimented with alcohol. Drinking is against our family's rules, but I fought the urge to react, to interject an opinion, or to interrupt. She went on to tell me that she chose not to partake, but said that the whole situation caused her to feel uncomfortable. I simply listened, offering empathy, understanding, and pride in her decision.

This was a defining moment for me. Mastering these six simple skills had kept me from interrupting and jumping to conclusions. They provided my daughter with confidence in verbalizing a difficult situation, especially knowing how quickly it could have been criticized. They liberated her to share the choices she made for herself. Effective communication skills brought back the delight of parenting once again.

So when your child walks in the door announcing the day's frustrations or delights, drop everything and focus on him. Listen attentively to the whole story. Remain calm. Hold back the criticism. Instead, repeat what he says in the form of a question, and then observe. You may be surprised at what you hear!

Debra Tomaselli, a frequent contributor to The Word Among Us Family Insert, is a freelance writer and the mother of three children. Do you have a story about your family and your life of faith that you would like to share? Send it to us at familyfeedback@wau.org

Reprinted with permission from The Word Among Us family edition, January 2004. For more information, call 1-800-775-9673.

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