St. Mary Magdalen - Poisoning Kids After Divorce

RESPONSES TO "POISONING KIDS AFTER DIVORCE" DIVORCE POISON

Hi Diane, Could someone recommend a book, article, or video to help an angry divorced mom understand the destructiveness of poisoning her kids with hatred of their dad and his family?

The paternal grandma has been bending over backwards to connect and love these kids (ages 10 and 13) but they coldy, rudely reject any contact. They often do the same with their father. I am looking for something that could be sent or just some ideas for strategy for helping the mom deal with her pain without further damaging her kids.

I highly recommend the "After the Storm" self-help video program presented at your conference by Don Gordon. "After the Storm" educates parents with real scenes that demonstrate the effects of combative behaviors on kids. Each scene is followed by one of parents doing things the right way. Very dramatic and very effective and you can't watch these without "getting it". It teaches communication and how and why to maintain a business-like relationship as you do parallel parenting.

Dr Gordon presented a workshop and had an exhibit at your last conferences. I'm sure he'd also be very helpful to Ms Walsh and could give her a long list of resources. His programs are award-winning and he is a leader in this field. You can reach Don Gordon at: gordon@mind.net

Responses:

Recommendation #1: Find someone to whom she will listen, take advice or seek counsel from, someone who she respects or holds as an authority figure. Only these people will be able to get her to open up to new ideas, or listen to good advice, or be reasonable about her actions. Someone, and probably no one on his side of the family, has to make her realize that she is damaging her children to satisfy her own hurts and need for vengeance. Her failure to deal with her anger and other emotions is also damaging her, and probably every relationship she has with family and friends. Also, look for someone who is facilitating this for her, someone who professes to be "in her corner" and is supporting, even feeding, her anger.

Recommendation #2: Most states now require that both parents go through a 4-6 hour training during a divorce that focuses on the children, the impact of divorce on those children, and strategies to minimize the damage. These usually include videos, such as "Children in the Middle", "Children: The Experts on Divorce," or "Who Gets the House." Research to see if your state has such.

Recommendation #3: Also, look for your state's Parenting Information and Resource Center (PIRC) as there is at least one in each state. They may offer classes. If not, look at the University Cooperative Extension Service, as they often have classes on parenting and divorce.

Recommendation #4: There are literally dozens of good books on the subject. A quick web search on divorce, divorce recovery, etc. will come up with recommended reading lists. The Center I work for has a web site, www.parenting-ed.org, and has handouts for parents, including one on Divorce, as well as links to other sites. I teach a 2-hour class once a month on parenting through and after a divorce. I always start by asking the parents in my class (divorced, separated, foster, adoptive, married, you-name-it) if they love their children. Then I ask them what they are willing to do for their children. (See where this is headed?) Then we talk about their job, which is not to raise children, but to raise adults. And once they agree we are raising adults we spend time talking (20-30 minutes) about what kind of adults they want their children to be. We talk about character traits such as wise, self-assured, capable, respectful, polite, mature, etc. I tell my class that once you understand your motivation (love), your job (raising adults) and the goal (how they will be as adults), then you should act accordingly. The most difficult thing in a divorce is to put aside your hurt and be a parent to your child. It is also the most essential thing you can do during and after a divorce. Unless there has been physical/mental abuse and the other parent poses a threat to either the child or ex-spouse, the two parents need to find a way to communicate. I try to get them to understand that while they may no longer be married, they will always have a relationship as long as both of them and any of the children, grandchildren, etc. are alive. The only choice they have is in whether it is a good relationship or one that damages the children, sometimes irreversibly, as well as damaging these two people, who once slept in the same bed, as adults.

The harsh form of the message is to GET OVER IT and GROW UP. Her childish behavior is hurting herself and the children even more than it is hurting her ex-husband.

Recommendation #5: Get therapy, counseling or into a support group. This could also apply to the husband. As for him: Find parenting classes and take them, or self-educate through good books on the subject. Find ways to communicate with your children, whether in person, by letters, email, phone calls, etc. When he does see the children, put everything else aside and be 150% DAD. This means work will wait, grown-up fun will wait, romance will wait, and even family will wait unless he is incorporating that into his children's experiences during his time with them. This becomes especially important when the ex is trying to create disharmony and is using her anger as justification to try to alienate the children. Finally, DO NOT GIVE UP. Do what you can, when you can, how you can, where you can, if you can. And don't make the same mistake she is making by trying to "get even." Ben Johnson Project Support Center for Effective Parenting - Northwest Arkansas (Springdale AR)

Try my book "Surviving Separation & Divorce," published by Adams. Author: Loriann Hoff Oberlin. It deals with anger, all the things women go through, and it's specifically for women because I thought I could write this book best from that voice of one woman to another. I devoted an entire chapter to caring for your children, another on caring for yourself, another on lightening up/letting go of anger, etc.

A reader wrote to me thanking me for writing it, saying she and her daughter would be fine because she read and re-read my book. Made my day! Loriann Hoff Oberlin www.loriannoberlin.com